I have been asked several times about this pregnancy. And in the beginning before we even announced publicly it was very hard for me to share, talk about or think about. My first trimester was awful. Not only the physical nausea, but the emotional pain of navigating through a really hard and tragic miscarriage just 2 months prior to this conception.
During the process I would write to myself on my phone. It was difficult to share with friends or even family because as much as its nice to hear “don’t worry, it will be ok” “if you do miscarry, know that its still ok” etc. I just wanted to get out my negative or fearful thoughts without a response. Grief or fear manifests itself in very different and sometimes unexplainable ways. For me, it was dark. I was in a dark place for a few weeks. Laying in bed feeling sick, when I wasn’t feeling sick it was pure anxiety that I was miscarrying. Then then frustration of feeling this way when I should have been happy. Its a mess. And I know thousands of women go through this, think this, feel this and sharing helps the 1 in 4 women out there justify their dark thoughts, those horrific feelings and know they are never alone.
Here are the saved notes:
This note can be very controversial, it shows how dark I was. How angry and selfish I was feeling at the time over things that had nothing to do with my situation but I was so quick to project my real anger onto something else. I know this is easily relate-able as wrong as I was in the situation.
As I read these back I remember every single feeling. I remember showing up for things I didnt want to. Even showing up in the morning for my kids. Each dr appointment was a step closer to healing the anxiety, but I still get bitter. I still have some questions for God. I still wonder why I had to go through 3 bloody and horrific miscarriages. I then feel guilt for having kids when others out there have gone through worse and have no babies. This is my story though. I do not share for the compliments or condolences. I share because I know there is not enough out there for those who are suffering miscarriages. I know the more we share our stories, the more its something that feels less like a shameful situation we maybe can heal better, faster and stronger.
I am 1 in 4 and that group of women is bigger than we understand, and we can be strengths to those who will sadly one day join our group, have joined and feel isolated, or want to help those that are experiencing this loss.