I have been asked several times about this pregnancy. And in the beginning before we even announced publicly it was very hard for me to share, talk about or think about. My first trimester was awful. Not only the physical nausea, but the emotional pain of navigating through a really hard and tragic miscarriage just 2 months prior to this conception.
During the process I would write to myself on my phone. It was difficult to share with friends or even family because as much as its nice to hear “don’t worry, it will be ok” “if you do miscarry, know that its still ok” etc. I just wanted to get out my negative or fearful thoughts without a response. Grief or fear manifests itself in very different and sometimes unexplainable ways. For me, it was dark. I was in a dark place for a few weeks. Laying in bed feeling sick, when I wasn’t feeling sick it was pure anxiety that I was miscarrying. Then then frustration of feeling this way when I should have been happy. Its a mess. And I know thousands of women go through this, think this, feel this and sharing helps the 1 in 4 women out there justify their dark thoughts, those horrific feelings and know they are never alone.
Here are the saved notes:
This note can be very controversial, it shows how dark I was. How angry and selfish I was feeling at the time over things that had nothing to do with my situation but I was so quick to project my real anger onto something else. I know this is easily relate-able as wrong as I was in the situation.
As I read these back I remember every single feeling. I remember showing up for things I didnt want to. Even showing up in the morning for my kids. Each dr appointment was a step closer to healing the anxiety, but I still get bitter. I still have some questions for God. I still wonder why I had to go through 3 bloody and horrific miscarriages. I then feel guilt for having kids when others out there have gone through worse and have no babies. This is my story though. I do not share for the compliments or condolences. I share because I know there is not enough out there for those who are suffering miscarriages. I know the more we share our stories, the more its something that feels less like a shameful situation we maybe can heal better, faster and stronger.
I am 1 in 4 and that group of women is bigger than we understand, and we can be strengths to those who will sadly one day join our group, have joined and feel isolated, or want to help those that are experiencing this loss.
I had a agonizing second trimester lost my first pregnancy and it broke me. I was useless for months. And then a year later I got pregnant again and had a beautiful, healthy baby boy who is almost 3. I naively thought that loss was behind us and it would be smooth sailing from here on out. Since his first birthday I have had three miscarriages. I’m currently 5 weeks pregnant and every twinge I rush to the bathroom expecting to see blood. I’m not optimistic at all. I expect loss. Thank you for sharing your raw feelings. I relate so much to everything you’ve said. I’m glad I’m not the only one trying to navigate through feelings of anger and fear. Thank you so much for sharing. It’s gives me hope that my husband and I will one day have our second rainbow baby.
Thank YOU so much for sharing. The feelings are so raw and hard and they shift from day to day. I will keep you in my prayers as you continue to grow your rainbow baby! So much love for you and your losses. <3
It’s a sad group to be a part of, but a strong group my friend💔 all of your feelings are real. Validated. And 100% justified. You do not need to apologize. The pain of not only miscarrying but consecutively- is like nothing I had ever felt. You are in my prayers friend. (Ps the process of actually loosing the baby is in real and like no one could ever describe to you. I’m so sorry you have had to experience that So many times) love you.