I know I have shared on Instagram about a few struggles with parenthood. I mean, who hasn’t? But the past few days, I have literally been in tears wondering what is wrong with me as a mother. Why can’t I do it all? Why can’t I have dinner on the table? Why can’t I get my house unpacked and decorated? Why can’t I wake up before the kids, get ready and use some of that time to center myself before the chaos starts? I break. ALL. THE. TIME.
I really broke this morning when Nick and I were trying to get the printer fixed upstairs and the boys were screaming downstairs, Troy was crying and as I come hustling down the stairs ready to break up the fight, it consumed me. Anger, frustration, impatience and that mean mother fire that comes from the depths of below.
Dax had Troy pinned at the bottom of the stairs, pulling his hair and dominating him for who knows what reason. In retaliation, I yelled at Dax, then pulled his hair screaming “YOU DONT PULL HAIR!!” “GO TO YOUR ROOM”
Let’s take a step back, I wrongingly showed my 2 1/2 year old what not to do by doing it while yelling. #momoftheyear
As Nick and I left the house with kids in tow to Jump zone to get their energy out and I plan on working in the car snapped at Nick,”why didnt you run through that yellow light!! “
He calmly put his hand on my thigh, “are you ok?” NO. I am not ok.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
There is this real force out there, if you’re not religious, I don’t know what you would call it, but I call it Satan. He is working very hard to ruin me, and days like today succeeded. He is stealing from me. He’s stealing my joy, my patience, my love and my heart. Turning me into a monster, a fire breather of hatred and anger. I may sound dramatic, but I think its the truth. He really works on us in ways we seemingly don’t pay attention. I’m not out drinking, doing drugs or watching porn..no, I’m tearing my house apart with my inability to see clearly because of my incredible amount of pressure and stress I carry on my shoulders.
I don’t write about this today to get any sympathy, I don’t want the “oh you’re doing great, you have so much going on”
FACT: I am not doing great. I’m doing kinda ok.
With time comes grace. I am still very much a NEW mom. I have two under 2 and was surely ill prepared to handle this life without help.
There is a song we sing in church “I Need Thee Every Hour” and the truth is I am allowed to steal too. I can steal moments away to my savior, I can steal prayers in the car, I can steal kisses from the boys and I can steal time to read my scriptures and help me to be better, otherwise Satan is just going to keep stealing from me and so far he’s winning.
Do you ever feel like its all too much sometimes? As simple as it sounds, sometimes saying a prayer or reading scriptures is harder than calming the storm you created because you started your day without the grace of God.