Thats what I told my self after I saw the blood after I was trying desperately to convince my self that I WASNT having a miscarriage.
We found out we were pregnant in January. In pure excitement and love we kept the awesome weekend to ourselves as we talked about the next steps that were going to proceed in our life.We were elated. I was going to be a mother. I couldn’t believe it actually happened.
We only experience the joy for one week.
Sadly I began feeling cramps the night after Nick left for a weekend vaycay of Monster trucks and brother bonding in San Diego. A trip that I originally was going to attend. I am so grateful now that I listened to the voice saying that I needed to stay home. I convinced myself that I didn’t want to spill the beans too soon to family members and it was best if I hibernated alone all weekend and ate double stuffed EL fudge cookies.
I instinctively “knew” on Sunday night. I really could not deny it. I said multiple prayers. I begged. I sobbed. Though I had not had any real evidence of this aborted child I thought I was having, I knew what was to come.
When Nick got home late on Sunday night, he immediately gave me a blessing. I felt comfort. But I was angry. I was so mad that I had wanted a child for over a year, and the multiple pregnancy tests that kept saying “not pregnant” I had seen over and over, I finally got the one that said yes. Like winning the lottery, and now its being taken away from me. Why?
I had all the symptoms. I was hungry, My bra was actually starting to get filled, I was so tired I could literally nap anywhere. I was feeling that nauseating joy of pregnancy.
I was only 5 weeks.
That feeling when you just know. It sucks. Cause you know. YOU KNOW.
When it was 100% confirmed I sobbed uncontrollably. The emotions that I had been trying to shove back into the corner where I still haven’t dealt with in years and anger and sadness of other issues lived, they ALL came out.
I remember feeling like my life was being documented on a tv series. I sat on the bathroom floor as I listened to the toilet flush. Thinking how horrible, your joy is being flushed down the toilet. I could see myself on the TV screen, feeling sorry. Wishing there was something to make her happy.
Feeling like a jerk. Feeling like a broken person. Feeling like an uncontrollable mess that had so many other reasons to be happy. I was sure this was going to break me.
In our church we are sometimes told to embrace our trials, to look at the brighter side. To know that the Lord doesn’t give us anything we cant handle.
Well, duh! This is something I can handle. Of course I can. But I want to be mad, But I felt guilty being mad.
Each sharp tinge in my stomach was a reminder that my body was riding its self of the fetus that had just begun the early stages of a heart. I was losing the vision of the nursery I wanted to start decorating. The excited announcement I wanted to prepare to let the world know I am capable of creating a human. It was all leaving me. Painfully.
I don’t write this for pity or for the “I am so sorries” I write this to be real. This is me.
As much as we sometimes get a view into others lives, I want to share the experiences I go through. Maybe someone will read this and know they weren’t the only one to have these feelings.
I also do not want to be defined by my fertility issues like some people close to me think. This isn’t abnormal. This is normal for me. This is what I have to go through, this is what is in plan for me. But I want people to know that life isn’t always a well dressed person with a great travel itinerary.
Within a day or two I was feeling ok. But I didn’t want to go to the bathroom for the fact that I knew each time more and more of what I wanted so badly was going to get flushed right down with the other disgusting things that were down there. It didn’t belong in there. Sadly I didn’t have a choice.
I felt lucky that I wasn’t as far along as others who experience much worse than what I had gone through. I have read stories of women who have had to go through much worse than I did. But they always start with no matter how far along, it’s heartbreaking.
Here i am feeling like a JERK. I have so much to be grateful for. But I am having a sad pity party. Feeling like a complete jerk because I didn’t get what I wanted.
I feel like I am surrounded by a million friends and acquaintances that are pregnant. It hurts a little. Hurts to think I would have had that 1st ultrasound to hear the heartbeat. It sucks that I was so prepared for it, and now I feel like I don’t know what I want anymore.
I immediately bought a pair of jeans I had my eyes on. Knowing I will be able to fit in them in a couple months so might as well Ha! Take that pregnant ladies! (thats me coping)
I go through spurts. I start to feel optimistic, I’m half way there. (I guess) but then this other side wants to be mad. Doesn’t want to hear about everyone being pregnant. Doesn’t want to be okay with it. Then I think, well this is good. We get to go to that exotic vacation in April we want. I get to buy more shoes. I can go to the gym and get summer ready for shorts and swimsuits. I am free. (but really I don’t feel like it)
At the end of the day. I am sad. But I am ok. I am happy. I have a wonderful and supportive husband who sadly stopped singing “Do you want to build a baby” (Frozen Movie Reference) He makes me laugh everyday. He buys me flowers and tells me I am beautiful. He holds my hand in everything we/I do. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to be with. This has brought us closer together, put life into perspective. Made us ask the really hard questions in life. We are in it together. Forever.
As the symptoms of pregnancy quickly left me, I reflected on this experience. I mean, really this isn’t major right? Millions of women experience this. It’s totally normal. Some people have several miscarriages before they actually get pregnant. This is a good sign. I am half way there in the process. But it still hurt. It was still overwhelmingly devastating as I sat on the bathroom floor. It still brings pain when I pass the baby section in Target, or see a friend embark on the great journey of motherhood. Life isn’t always fair. Thats the truth, and I have always known that.
I am ok. I want anyone who actually reads this to know that. I am happy. I love my life. But I also have struggles. Everyday they happen. As much as I like to blog pretty gold and pink outfits and store purchases, I feel sorry for myself sometimes. I get in moods where I want to be a brat and mean. I get optimistic and happy and want to run around town yelling how happy I am. But this is me. This is my struggle. As too personal as others might think, I always wear my heart on my sleeve. I have nothing to hide.