Wise words indeed.
The glossy pictures of modeled clothes, shoes and purses have always had a mesmerizing effect on my brain. If I just had these shoes, this shirt or $500 worth of purses I’d be happy and better looking than all those fashion bloggers. I even fell victim of the Phillip Lim Target launch and stayed up till 2am making sure I got every purse. The purse binge was crazier than usual, but when lucidity seeped back into my brain I studiously returned them. Sadly without buyers remorse, nonetheless taken back. But I did sell most of them on eBay and made a little bit of money.
I’m beginning to think there is more out there. This following of fashion blogs, this spending hours dreaming of clothes I really wouldn’t or couldn’t wear in my real life, handing over hundreds of dollars to keep up with all of them when truly, in the end, those faceless bloggers I’m trying to impress is really my brain writing a script with me the star of my own play. As I followed this thought down a shrouded little path I whispered “could this all be an escape?” I just said I would probably not wear many of these fashions in my real life, didn’t I? Then where?
I looked to my religion, a place of refuge. There was peace during this weekend and a feeling of expansiveness. I listened to a Conference which is broadcast on TV by the LDS church of which I am a member. My mind opened a little wider, or maybe my heart. What did I really want? I have advised others who have asked that question, “figure it out” then do it. So easy to say and so arrogant to think one can find their path so easily. I’m finding with age who I am changes as I progress from one season to another. But today I’m at a loss and my path seems just out of reach.
I’ve been playing dress up. Like when you were little pretending to be the movie star or princess in your mother’s, what to your eyes, looked like a fairy dress. Remember clamoring to be the most beautiful of all your friends? I seem to want to be the girl dancing on the greener grass in the yard next door. Surely if I were like her I would be happy forever after.
In my realization I want to yell at those bloggers. “Why would I want to be like you!? What do you have that I don’t?” But in truth, I do want to be the girl with the most cake, or clothes in this instance. But now that I know, I can get the voices out of my head and stop comparing, competing and instead repeat “the grass isn’t greener next door”.
All of us girls want to play dress up. Some of us just more than others. But for me, gone is Instagram, gone is Facebook, and committed to staying away from all those fashion blogs that pull me into that life that will never be. I have yet to find what I really want, but I know what I don’t want. That once shrouded little path has sunshine streaming through the leaves. I’m not at a loss, I’m ready for an adventure.
I have to keep reminding myself it’s green where I water it.